The Workermonkey

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Not the first rodeo 

# posted by Brancibeer @ 1/15/2008 02:40:00 PM

"Where we've gotten mixed up is that we believe actions follow belief. But experience creates belief.."

Brancibeers going to get personal here. I just recently had a break up with a girlfriend. We weren't seeing each other that long, but long enough- about 6 months. I liked her. She grew on me quite a bit and she was the first 'real' girl since the last 'real' girl. She initiated the ending of the relationship amiably. I gave it my best shot, expressed my feelings, told her i would like to try and work through it. But sometimes people just aren't on your playing field and you can pitch all you want but the hitters still on deck. Its not my fault, and its not hers. The timing just wasn't right, or we weren't what each other wanted, etc. These things can be hard without any clear answers. Analyze all you want (and I have) but its not going to help.

So there I went... into the usual breakup funk immediately after. Back to the depths of the dark places I fear being the most. The places where some of my nightmares were born from previous encounters. I was scared to be there. Terrified to be back after making so much progress to get out of those places. Months to crawl up the slick walls and yet only a few hours to get pushed back down. God damn it, god damn it. Why, how, ugh pain.

But wait Brancibeer! You don't want to be here, so why should you automatically default yourself to be? Sure, it was a hit, but cant you choose the way you perceive things? Can this be seen as a positive experience and therefore allow it to affect you positively...as a stimulus not a depressant? Over time you have learned to deal with these things. You know what to do and what not to do. What is good for you and what is bad for you. You have the power to choose how to react to situations, and what situations to put yourself in next. So why? Why put yourself here?

And over a month later now....yes, it worked. I've never felt stronger or better. Life is good and i'm on top. I'm not fooling myself about anything. I'm not ignoring, suppressing or pushing the feelings aside. I can still feel those things if i choose to....and sometimes I do. But there is a wealth of other feelings to concentrate on too. I've learned to moderate my discipline. I like to think perhaps i'm getting better at life and learning the best ways to go about living it. All those tough times were not spent in vain... I was working toward something.

Those hard times are like a storm sometimes. If you can just get yourself out of the innermost dangerous bands, you can deal with the usual rain and wind with ease.

1 comments

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is Love.

The First Epistle of Paul To the Corinthians 13:12,13

By  Anonymous, at Tuesday, January 15, 2008 10:27:00 PM  

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