The Workermonkey

Monday, May 09, 2005

The worst episode, EVER ! 

# posted by NoBrainRequired @ 5/09/2005 06:30:00 AM

So...

I'm minding my own business. Not hurting anybody, not breaking any laws, not even outside my own home, but appearantly God wanted to watch me sqirm. So there I am on the shitter, minding my own business (actually, I just watched back to the future and was thinking, deeply, about the theoligical implications of time travel, ie; what if we killed Hitler but the events of history played themselves out basically the same?) on the shitter. I finish up, snap back to reality, and look down at my stinky creation.
If you're the least bit squeamish stop here, it gets worse, a lot worse.
Red, lots of red. I'm talking biblical plague "and the waters were turned to blood" every where not just in the water, around the rim everywhere. Like a power washer of blood was in my ass.
So, I did the first thing a guy would do, I stared at it in disbelief (is this another flashback?). Trying hard to decide whether or not this constituted an emergency, you know, flush and walk or call 911.
I yelled for Mo " Honey could you come look at something?" "I'm not going to look at another one of your massive shits, thats gross" she replies. But further badgering gets her there.
She looks down and says " I'm gonna pass out" and she did fell on her back, started gurgling and had a siezure!
Luckily, I got her to come too. I was panicked, she was panicked, the fish was panicked. So I called Burns. Yes thats right. In an emergency I called Burns, and he told me to go to the hospitol and we did.
So after telling this story to twenty different people at the hosp. I finally get seen.
If your the least bit squeamish, stop reading, it gets worse, a lot worse.
So the doctor comes in, big guy. 6'4" and fat. Needless to say he had very large hands. He asks me about my lifestyle; any suppositories, herion abuse, anal sex ect. No, No, NOOOOO! I say.
Well, that was the wrong answer appearently. Now, I needed an examination. Can you produce a sample? No just blood I say. I'm gonna need some of that he says. I don't want to tell you how he got it, but he did. That was inconclusive, we can elimanate infection, viral or cancer(whew). But we need to take a closer look (YIKES). He says " It involves a camera" and I said" It better also involve some morphine or alot of whiskey" It wasnt a small camera. I realize now that our callings are to invent a smaller camera for this purpose. In any case, my lesson in prison ethics wasn't over. After looking around in there he can to the conlcusion that I have an internal hemmoroid. All that, for a damned hemmoroid. our second calling is to create a hemmoroid test thats non-invasive.
As for Mo, she was getting checked out next to me. She's fine. She had a reaction from her pills and the stress of the situation. It happens. It was embarrising both sets of parents showed up (Happy Mothers day, theres blood flowing out my ass) Either way, niether of us are going back to the hospitol for a while. (Me, nothing short of a gun wound will bring me back). Well, it's 6:30 AM. I need more whiskey until I feel like a human being again. Please leave me alone for a couple of days. Then you can let me have it all you want.

9 comments

Jesus. I... You...uhhh..

By  Brancibeer, at Monday, May 09, 2005 8:51:00 AM  

That truly is a mothers day miracle, god bless us everyone!

By  murphy, at Monday, May 09, 2005 9:48:00 AM  

wow, just wow. at least you're ok.

By  Supreme Monkey Overlord, at Monday, May 09, 2005 6:56:00 PM  

How did it end? I skipped to the bottom after the first warning.

By  DJ Booze Piñata, at Monday, May 09, 2005 10:06:00 PM  

it ended with tim having a baby lizard. i hear its a girl. congrats.


seriously glad to hear your alright. now tell us what the doc said so we can all learn and hopefully avoid this.

By  ron, at Monday, May 09, 2005 10:48:00 PM  

To avoid this take 5 easy steps;

1) Drink less alcohol
2) Use less drugs
3) Eat more fiber, less meat
4) Exercise more, sit less
5) Poop on a schedule (I mean, get out your daily planner and shit on it)

I would also like to point out that this is a common affliction, just not in 20 year olds. The doc said most guys ignore it the first couple of times because its painless. However, the concern is that it gets infected, then they got to do open ass surgury.

By  Anonymous, at Tuesday, May 10, 2005 5:36:00 PM  

#1 not happening
#2 not happening
#3 frosted mini wheats
#4 ride bike more, got it
#5 10am phone tetris time baby!

By  ron, at Tuesday, May 10, 2005 5:39:00 PM  

Actually Ron, Bike riding was one of the factors he said would contribute to it, all that bumping and jamming. Let's face it Ron, not only is describing what a bike does to your ass homoerotic , but you + bike = accidents. A gentler sport, like getting head from hot hookers (alliteration; Mac would be proud, or horrified), might be more your style.

By  Anonymous, at Tuesday, May 10, 2005 5:58:00 PM  

frosted mini wheats are key, the big ones just don't have enough frosting on them.

By  Supreme Monkey Overlord, at Tuesday, May 10, 2005 6:44:00 PM  

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