The Workermonkey

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

it's everyone's fault but mine 

# posted by josh @ 6/02/2004 03:32:00 AM

brancy i'm right with you. it's 332am. i watched some tv, read a little tonight. got a bit tired, took the dog out, got into bed. couldnt sleep. erica left today for teh summer. it's only been about 7 and a half months, but feels like more. roll over in bed. get up, go to the bathroom. back to bed. put coldplay cd on low volume, try to sleep. get up, turn the a/c on higher. dog's lookin at me like what the fuck, and i'm starting to ask the same.

everyone keeps telling me how hard law school will be, and how much work there is. really? wont i find that out for myself? i'm not trying to be sarcastic here. everyone has different abilities. high school was really hard for some people. doesnt ability play a role? maybe law school isnt hard (or as hard) for some than others. to me, that seems not only plausible, but definite. maybe people are trying to scare me? no, these are all people i have definite relationships with who tell me this stuff, so that's not it. maybe it's to prepare me, or so i will be mentally ready? i guess that's gotta be it, no? instead its giving me apprehension. i'm always so sure about my life choices. i never waiver. so what's the deal?

maybe i just got a lot on my mind. clearly all the law school stuff. erica and i are gonna do our best to stay together (seems silly not to when you really like the person and have put so much in already) despite the (temporary?) distance. my stomach's bothered me a lot lately. i cant eat dairy, so i've tried to avoid it, but that hasnt worked. an ulcer maybe? but those are usually cuz of stress, and since the main part of the law school app process ended i dont feel i've had much of that either. the nation's in shambles, and getting worse everyday. i cant eat fast food anymore, makes me sick to my stomach, but i had to today. mcdonalds. saw this kid, couldnt have been more than 11 or 12 yrs old, fat as shit. fat mom too. stuffing a big mac and fries into his face as fast as he can. sucking the end of a ketchup packet to get the last bits out. sweeping all of the things that fell off the big mac into the corner of the big mac box, then tilting the box to his mouth, drinking the edible fallout. it was disgusting. repulsive. i had to stop eating right then and there. all i could do was drink my sprite. how do you let your kid get like that? fast food is fine now and then, but this kid's been living off it. it disgusts me. are these average americans? i pray to the god i dont believe in that they're not.

maybe i spend too much time being bothered by things outside my control. but then, what is outside my control? maybe i could do something to help. but do i even want to? i'm repelled by lots of people day in and day out, attracted to only a few. how do i know the extent of my influence?

i'm also outgrowing the party scene a bit. content to just chill with friends and a few beers, and preferably a grill. setting sights on what i want to do with my life, and overcoming all the obstacles standing in my way. brancy dont get me wrong, your presence would be extremely missed, but if guam, or alaska, or florida is what you want to do, then get out there and do it . there's always ways to keep in touch. there's always reuinions, offical and weekends when everyone can take time off. you're doing something, and that's awesome. goes to show, everythings not lost.

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