The Workermonkey

Saturday, March 13, 2004

bill maher for president 

# posted by josh @ 3/13/2004 11:47:00 PM

this is just one of the many reasons you guys should check out "real time w/ bill maher." his political ideals and ours somewhat match. it airs fridays at 8pm on hbo, but of course hbo reruns everything 100 times a week. this is from the "new rules" portion of the show. enjoy.



And finally, New Rule: Politics is about compromises, really stupid compromises. That's how we got such laws as: blacks are three-fifths of a person; slaves are property unless they make it to Ohio; interning the Japanese but not the Germans; slaughtering the Indians but letting the ones who survive run the Keno parlors.

Porn, but not hardcore porn. Booze, and then no booze, and then booze again. But no pot. Except medical marijuana, which is legal to possess, but illegal to obtain! And my favorite: you can't have stem cells except the ones we already have.

Now, in this spirit, I would like to offer a few compromise suggestions for the knotty issue we face today: same sex marriage. Why not this? It's okay to be gay if you're already gay, but no new gays. We'll grandfather you in if you're already an organ grinder, but that's it.

Or, how about, let gays marry, but come out against gay mortgages? Or maybe the answer to this is as plain as the nose in my lap.

With both sides so set, one being all for gay marriage and the other completely against it, how about we just let the lesbians marry? I mean, come on. Marriage is a chick thing anyway.

Monogamy and marriage were invented by women and the church as a way to address female insecurity and to stamp out oral sex as we know it. And don't give me some line about how two women can't reproduce. As long as David Crosby is alive and can swallow a Viagra, that's not a problem.

Plus, let's face it, when people talk about homosexuality being not natural and an abomination, they're not talking about the women. No, they're talking about the men. Nobody seems to find anything so abominable about Britney Spears tonguing Madonna or Gina Gershon in bed with Jennifer Tilly, or anything else on the third shelf of my library.

No, in America, when a man puts something in another man, it had better be a bullet.

So, isn't it time both sides compromised a little on this issue? The statistics tell us that anywhere from two to ten percent of people in America are gay. Although it seems higher at my bathhouse.

So, look, conservatives. I know you're sincere. I know you think you're doing God's work. But in 100 years, people traveling by jet-pack to Mars are not going to be tripping on gay marriage. The whole issue is just going to be a joke. On you.

So my advice is simple. They're here. They're queer. Get bored with it!

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